In Part 1 of this series, we explored how supporting your child’s autonomy paves the way for them to engage in meaningful work for sustained periods of time, which is necessary right now as we attempt to accomplish our own work (in whatever form), while promoting their brain growth. Autonomy was the first of three major pillars of Optimal Brain Growth that are being exposed by the current state of the world, and for many of us, by the current state of our own family. (Remember: our goal here is to observe the pillars of Optimal Brain Growth that are being highlighted by the current situation, and then use our increased awareness not only to cope better as a family right now, but to then do our part to better support Optimal Brain Growth for all children).
It’s important to know that even when we successfully support the development of autonomy in our children, we will naturally experience lapses, new challenges, and feelings of overwhelm. Even under typical circumstances, this is normal... and as we are very much not in typical circumstances right now, many of us--our children included--are experiencing heightened emotional overwhelm. This can lead to feelings of helplessness, and hopelessness, and I propose here that the antidote to those (very normal, very human) feelings is this pillar of Optimal Brain Growth: courage in vulnerability.
This brings us to Part 2 of the series, in which we view the problem of emotion overwhelm through the lens of Optimal Brain Growth. When we ask what the brain really needs for managing emotion, what do we see? We see that the current situation exposes our need for stronger skills in managing intense emotions like fear, anger and grief--and skills in helping our children manage those same emotions. In other words, we need not to be consumed by our intense emotions, but to use them to find courage in our vulnerability now… and to build long-term strength and resilience.
I’m going to teach you a three-step process that I use to manage emotion overwhelm for myself and my family, and to build our strength and resilience. As always, this is an integrative approach based on evidence from brain science, and wisdom from the arts and healing--because for me, that is what works. This process is simple and has one specific, concrete result: to integrate the brain in order to avoid knee-jerk reactions and emotional explosions, and instead, act from a place of calm and intelligence. The three-step process is:
1) Observe a feeling,
2) Observe a breath, and
3) Take intelligent action.
The whole process will often take about one minute--you can do this.
I like to say that a truly integrated, optimally functioning brain, always starts with feeling. Why? Because the most intelligent actions we take, the greatest successes in our lives, integrate our emotional intelligence rather than suppressing or avoiding it. Also, you can’t “ignore” or “push” your way out of the heightened feelings you have right now. This is the courage I mentioned: we don’t push our feelings away, but we have the courage to work with them, and become stronger (and more compassionate) because of them.
However, you also can’t feel ALL of your feelings at once--that’s clearly overwhelming, and definitely not productive. Vulnerability is a state in which we are open to feeling--not a quest for more overwhelm. The courage is in the open state of vulnerability. So, instead of ignoring feeling or succumbing to overwhelm-
Do Step One: focus on one feeling. Don’t think too hard--just ask yourself, what am I feeling right now? (Or observe your child, without comment, and notice: what feeling seems to be driving their behavior right now? If you can’t tell, then ask them simply: what are you feeling right now? Resist the urge to try to “fix” their feeling, just observe and listen, and give them the grace and permission to JUST FEEL).
In order to observe YOUR feeling, I’m going to suggest two options: either notice an emotion (like fear or sadness), or, notice a sensation in your physical body (like tightness, or burning, or heaviness). Once you’ve noticed one, describe it, either silently or out loud. “I feel sad”. “I feel tightness in my chest”. This step serves to give permission for what you’re feeling, and it’s critical (remember, we’re not working on pushing feelings away… we’re working on integrating our brain to feel better now, and to build long-term strength and resilience).
Next, do Step Two: observe one breath. When I say “observe”, what I mean is, use your sensory systems to become aware of that breath: feel the air fill into your lungs, see your own chest expand and contract, hear the sound of the inhale and exhale. This step is sometimes called the “sacred pause”. It invokes your sensory brain to guide your awareness, which enables the third and final step in the process. If your child is flooded with emotion, I propose two options: either ask them if they can take a breath or, if that doesn’t work, SIMPLY TAKE ONE YOURSELF. Invoke YOUR sensory brain: feel, see, and hear that breath. Let them simply observe you doing that step. That’s enough.
Step Three: Take intelligent action. Here’s what I mean by that: if I’m emotionally triggered (say, my child shouts at me), and I don’t practice these steps, I’m likely to just “react” (I shout back). Am I wrong if I do that? NO: my own feelings and the enormous burden on me right now are valid, and it is normal to sometimes react strongly (that’s what fear, anger and grief will do to us). However, what I WANT--for my own wellbeing as well as for my child’s--is not to “react” like that, but to “respond” with intelligent action (for example, when my child shouts at me, I respond by stating--calmly and lovingly, but firmly-- “I need to be spoken to more respectfully”).
So in that example, intelligent action means two things: what NOT to do (shout back), and what to DO (state my need).
Does this sound like a skill you want your child to build?
Yes, yes, YES.
As your child works on this, how can you support them in the third step: taking intelligent action? After you (and they) observe one feeling, and observe one breath, you can ask them this question: what’s needed right now? That simple question gives them the chance to reflect, and come up with an immediate solution to their problem. Resist the (very common) temptation to tell them what the solution is: this doesn’t allow them to build their own brain’s strength and resilience. Instead, let them answer the question… with autonomy. Let their answer be enough for now.
What results can you expect from this simple (roughly one minute) process? First, you can expect a decrease in your overwhelming emotions--not just a decrease in that moment but, if you practice this consistently, a decrease in your overall level of emotion overwhelm in the long-term). Second, you can expect an increased ability to respond, rather than react, and to take intelligent action. This means making choices from a place of calm and intelligence, so that you can not just cope during this time, but you can build strength and resilience. This is courage in vulnerability.
These results apply to your child as well--so consider this a double return on your investment! The whole family benefits from this process. For those who want to up-level this assignment: make this 3-step process the subject of a family meeting or special activity. Practice by taking turns role-playing: you get to be the shouting child, and your child gets to be you! Play. Let it be funny--it IS.
Next up: the brain evolved for connection. So how do we as families find even STRONGER connection now, in a time of social isolation?