I talk a lot about finding rhythm (it’s the title of my new children’s musical production, after all!) But the Growing Brains framework looks at “rhythm” as much more than just a musical skill. (In fact, I believe that rhythm is a driving force of human nature, and that music and dance forms grew out of basic rhythm capacities in our evolution). More generally, finding our own rhythm can be thought of as having a set of skills that allow us to live a life that is fulfilling and makes a contribution.
For a child, finding their own rhythm means several things that are critical to surviving and thriving right now: things like knowing and trusting themselves; being trusted and respected by others (including adults in their life) and believing that they are worthy of that trust and respect; taking actions in ways that are right for them (from daily routines to participation in community life); being able to establish their own boundaries in healthy ways, so that they can then learn and expand those boundaries in enriching ways; and finding resilience in hardship: not just “getting by”, but moving through with some skills and some support, and then coming out stronger on the other side.
And there is a LOT of hardship right now.
Do these sounds like things that you want for your child right now? For most of the families and communities I work with, they are. In fact, MOST of the families and organizations I work with do not ask me about how to increase grades or obedience or conforming.
They just don’t.
What they actually want is for their own children, or the children they teach or serve, to grow into the best version of themselves. They want them to feel good about who they are, even with their imperfections and limitations, and to do good with it.
So what do children need? There are numerous skill sets that are essential, but I believe that one skill set is the foundation of the rest: autonomy. Let me explain.
Having autonomy means being (and feeling) in control of our own body & brain, and some aspects of our environment. This is true for adults and children. When I invite children to “find their rhythm”, autonomy is always an essential component: they can only find their own true rhythm when they truly are, and feel, in charge of themselves.
Let’s take a very important example right now: learning and school work. How is your child experiencing their work right now? Do they have at least one project that they are passionate about? Are they developing skills? If they are, you should see some signs of both interest and challenge—maybe not every day, but at least some days. Are the adults around the child trusting them in their work? If so, there should not be an overwhelming need for micro-managing in most cases.
Another example, which is just as important, is your child’s hobbies or their use of unstructured/ leisure/ boredom time. What activities are they drawn to right now? If they are finding autonomy, you will see them wanting to repeat activities that are giving them some gratification while also challenging them. When they reach a new level of competence, the challenges will need to be increased or varied in some way.
Here’s an example from my home. My 10-year-old has been drawn to baking and writing ever since the start of the pandemic, because a) it piqued her interest, b) she suddenly had all this time at home and an oven available, and c) it was one small way that she could isolate herself from the rest of us (especially her little brother!) and practice something independently.
Last spring, she had chosen a recipe for dark chocolate-dipped shortbread cookies, and a recipe for lemon cupcakes with fresh strawberry buttercream frosting. She actually started a small business, creating a menu, taking orders and preparing them for customers all on her own. After baking those recipes a bunch, and enjoying the satisfaction of tasting them and sharing them with her customers, she needed a new challenge; so she found new, slightly more complicated recipes! And she started taking walks alone to the neighborhood grocery store to buy her own ingredients. She is loving it, and doing it all on her own gives her so much joy and pride in herself. This is her bakery.
When she’s baking, she is putting her brain and body to use… and SHE is in control. I can’t stress this enough: your child has to have some activities that they are in control of, AND feel in control of.
To show how being and feeling in control might differ, consider this scenario. Imagine how it would feel for my 10-year-old if, despite the independence she’s allowed to choose and purchase her ingredients, and use the kitchen alone to bake, I inserted my opinions on how her recipes could be done better. (Anyone??) In the adult’s mind, we might be “just trying to help”… but to the child who is establishing and asserting her independence, it can feel more intrusive than helpful.
Or as another example, what if we allowed her to plan everything, and come along to the store to buy ingredients, but then we didn’t let her call the shots in the kitchen? I know families who don’t allow their children to prepare food on their own. Some may come from a fairly traditional upbringing where they feel that’s the parent’s role; others may feel a need to control the environment and keep things how they like them. I once heard a mother & mother-in-law duo proclaim that their child/grandson was “not allowed in the kitchen”. I think the kitchen is a fantastic place for children, and the families who work with me tend to agree! However, if I did encounter families that had reasons for not wanting their child to work alone (or at all) in the kitchen, then I would ask them some questions, like: can you permit your child to bring ingredients to a dining table or other area to work alone? or, what steps of the process can be done without your monitoring?
For much younger children, there will be some level of monitoring that is almost always needed. But it can be done in ways that support the child to do the work themselves. So, for example: a toddler who wants to eat a banana can be encouraged to sit at their table with the banana and a very safe, small butter knife, and peel & cut the banana into pieces before eating it. (Toddlers LOVE CUTTING BANANAS! They go bananas for it! Seriously: if you haven’t let your toddler cut a banana, you must do so immediately and watch their face).
Or another example: a 3-6 year old may choose what’s for dinner one night, and be allowed to help with the food prep that makes sense for them given their own interest and ability. They might get to prep ingredients and put them into the pot for cooking, or make a fruit salad for dessert all on their own.
The idea here is to make sure that when we are helping the child find autonomy, we are not unwittingly undermining the process by inserting ourselves; because inserting yourself reduces your child’s autonomy! Whether you perceive it as such is not nearly as important as whether THEY do. That is why I say that the child needs to have control AND feel in control.
You may have noticed that I talked a lot about food preparation. That is because finding and preparing nourishment is one of the most important tasks of an individual’s life. The drive to do so, and feel a sense of control over our nourishment, begins young. (And if you have a picky eater, I have specific resources and recommendations for you!) For now, just remember that if ever in doubt about how or where to support your child’s autonomy, meals can be a lovely and caring way to let them know that you TRUST them.
And that trust? It’s the single BEST way to support your child in finding their own unique rhythm.
Is there a new area in which you can allow your child to explore their competence and independence? Have you discovered a new favorite recipe, or shared a special moment together? Share with us in the comments, and keep going… when you see your child finding their own rhythm, you won’t want to stop!